God Knows I Tried
God Knows I Tried by Ray Boltz
When they said I was a sinner, I was struggling with my youth. And, with the hope that God could change me, I believed it was the truth.
I spent my whole life trying to be what they said I should. On the inside I was dying, because I never really could.
God knows I tried. God knows all the pain I kept inside. He’s seen every tear I ever cried. God knows I tried.
I was so good at pretending, just like an actor on the stage. In the end, nobody knew me, only the roles that I portrayed.
I would rather have you hate me knowing who I really am than to try and make you love me being something that I can’t.
God knows I tried. God knows all the pain I kept inside. He’s seen every tear I ever cried. God knows I tried.
And, after all these years of living, I’ve begun to understand. I can try to be like someone else, but it won’t change (no it won’t change, no it won’t change) who I am.
God knows I tried. God knows all the pain I kept inside. He’s seen every tear I ever cried. God knows I tried.
I served as a Ordained Assembly of God Minister for twelve years before coming out. “God Knows I tried, and tried and tried”
This past week my 92 year old grandfather passed away. Grandpa was a great Godly man. It was him and grandma who took me and my sisters to church. Without them I would have never know Jesus, never been a minister, never would have had two great daughters.
With his passing this week I had to once again examine if I had done the right thing coming out. I prayed to God. I prayed to grandpa to send me a sign. Something so clear that I was alright with God.
The two ministers performing the service today were apart of my grandpa’s youth group. Grandpa lead many kids to God while my mom and here sisters grew up in a small Assembly of God Church. The closing statement by the minister today was “Thank You” Thank you for sharing your Claude Raney to pray for young men like me. To share his time with me. Then the minister read Ray’s Song “Thank You” This conservative old minister was reading the words of a fellow gay man who had traveled a similar road. GOD and Grandpa gave me my sign.
Thank you Ray for taking this same scary journey. Your lyrics were an answer to my prayers today. “Thank You, I am the life that was changed”