The Lesbian and the Tuxedo
It all started when a certain lesbian high school student in Mississippi (Constance McMillen) applied to go to her high school prom with her girlfriend. She also wanted to wear a tuxedo instead of a prom dress. The adults in charge said that would not be allowed.
The Lesbian and the ACLU
The ACLU got involved, and a Mississippi judge stopped just short of making the Itawamba High School allow the student to attend the prom with her girlfriend. The ruling was not made, because the Itawamba community made plans to hold the high school prom at the local country club (since the school prom was canceled rather than have to share the evening with an out lesbian teenaged girl and her girlfriend).
The Lesbian and the Country Club
On the appointed night, the lesbian and her girlfriend dressed up and went to the prom at the country club. The only trouble was that fewer than ten students were there. To make matters worse, those students had not been invited to the real party. A secret prom was in full swing over in the next town where the other students from Itawamaba High School were partying away (while the small group at the country club had their ‘Prom’).
The Lesbian and the Wrath of the Regions Beyond Mississippi
I’ve spent hours today reading blog posts and reading comments about this situation. I totally agree that what the students did, by having a secret prom and leaving out some of the students, was terribly wrong. There is no disputing the lack of compassion for ‘other’ that was demonstrated by these students who wanted to hide from ‘the lesbian’ and have a secret party without her. And, there is no question in my mind that they did not act alone. The adults in their lives were part of the ‘meanness’ that took place that night.
The Other Students and Their Post-Lesbian Future
So many of the comments by readers wish bad things on the students who held the secret prom. People are threatening to have them banned from good colleges. This is where I differ with the thoughts expressed in some of the comments I read today. Why would we want to punish their ignorant behavior by withholding an opportunity for them to have their minds opened to knowledge and to other people?
Self-Centered Behavior vs. Empathy and Compassion
None of us were born rejecting others or being mean to others. We all learned how to do that. We also learned about each other and learned to be open to each other.I’d like to see the ‘secret prom’ kids have the opportunity to learn to value others and treat others with respect. Compassion can be learned just as cruelty and a lack of compassion seem to have been learned, and if not compassion, at least a basic sense of treating others with dignity and respect. I want to believe this is true. I want to believe that living in a different environment would help these young people see the bigger picture. I want to believe that getting to know people who are different from themselves will lead to more openness of heart and mind. I really don’t see these kids as terrible people, just self-centered and lacking in empathy. I don’t wish them a terrible life. I wish them the joy of learning to really see and appreciate others. I’d like to see them all grow and change because of this experience, becoming more sensitive and empathetic people. I don’t wish them harm.
The Lesbian As a Catalyst for Change
Rather than banning these (secret prom, anti-lesbian) students from the college experience, I would like to see them all become on-campus students at universities where intellectual curiosity and the pursuit of knowledge are valued. I would like to see these students spend four years living and learning in a place where their minds can be opened to people and realities beyond the world they currently know.
The Lesbian and the “Mean Kids” Syndrome
People can be mean. Kids can be mean. Adults sometimes behave with cruelty that is shocking, since they are old enough to know better. There is no doubt about any of these things. It seems that all three of these things took place in Itawamba county, Mississippi this past week.
The Lesbian and What We Can All Learn
It is clear that ‘the lesbian’ was not popular with her classmates, but at least she did not curl up in a corner and fade away (or worse). I’m glad she acted with courage, and asked for what she wanted (to go to the prom with her girlfriend). I don’t know her feelings or her motives, but I have no doubt that it took courage to be herself in an environment where no one stood up for her. I hope that her courage will serve as an inspiration to others. I hope that other people, gay or not, will take heart and take a chance when it’s time to do the right thing. I hope that we all, each of us individually, will remember to stand up for what is right. Maybe a good place to start would be treating each other with respect and showing compassion for each other.
Here’s the Trail I Followed
constance mcmillen Fulton MS: The World’s Cruelest Town Constance McMillen Wanted to Take Her Girlfriend to the Prom, So the School Board Canceled it Miss. lesbian student’s prom night falls short UPDATE: McMillen goes to Itawamba County prom that is sparsely attended Letters to the Editor Letters to the Editor The MEANEST TOWN IN AMERICA: Fake Prom for Lesbian Student? Where’s Constance? Photos from a Private Prom Paging Sarah Palin! The Disabled Kids in Fulton, Mississippi Need YOU!MS heteros-only prom attendee’s lesson from the Blend about thinking before posting on Facebook
Video break: protest at St. Patrick’s Cathedral on Easter; Young Turks on fake prom in MS Q of the day: should Constance leave Fulton and never look back, or return to effect change?
thank you! i was reading many of those trails too, and becoming increasingly fed up with exactly the same responses. i really appreciate your very thoughtful response.
-M
Meaghan, Thank you! 🙂
Frankly, you need to stop being so naive and grow up. The fact is, the gay community has been trying to be accepted and respected by being as nice as possible in a “please respect our rights and we’ll respect yours” fashion.
The fact is, it isn’t working, and there are still conservative religious communities where this sort of bullshit happens. I’ve seen more than my fair share of college and university graduates who went in completely idiotic, and have come out with a diploma/degree acting just as stupid as they were originally. Post secondary education does provide a change they’ll experience new things, and potentially see why their bigotry was wrong, but frankly it’s not like it’s guaranteed to work either.
The line has to be drawn to show that credible post secondary institutions care strongly about the character of those they accept into their schools, and that includes sending a message to those who have not behaved in a fashion befitting of a member of a productive, compassionate society that their sociopathic behaviour is unacceptable and bears serious consequences.
I may be naive. It is certainly possible. Some people who know me think I am too cynical and don’t trust enough. I think I’m an odd mix of both.
I want to believe the best of people, and I want to believe the best is possible. I also believe people are capable of terrible things. I think we all have a tremendous amount of good in us, and we are also capable of causing harm to others. Humans are an odd mix.
I know that for myself, I respond the most positively when someone believes in me, more than when someone judges me without knowing me. I believe these kids are probably basically good kids who need some (possibly serious, intense, and mandated by a judge) instruction in how to live as responsible, moral, ethical, and compassionate adults.
Bullying is not something new. It’s been happening ‘forever’. It is wrong. It needs to be stopped. I agree with you. Where we differ is that I believe there are methods of implementing change that actually change people from the inside out. Punishment without understanding only leads to resentment. If these kids learn about how to be caring adults, there can be healing, too.
I put up another comment on the lafiga blog, and Ive posted it here, too. I hope you’ll check it out and leave more comments. 🙂
Itawamba 2010 – The Bullies, The Bullied, and the Bystanders
ps – Bleh, 😉
I also agree with you about religious institutions harming lgbt kids. I have written about this, and about a man who was the son of a fundamentalist minister. (His dad thought Jerry Falwell was liberal.)
Marc Adams (the gay son) went to Liberty University, Jerry Falwell’s college, in an attempt to be cured from his feelings of attraction for other guys. That did not work, of course, and he dropped out right before the end of his four years.
Ever since then, Marc has lived and traveled with his partner (who he met in school). They travel around the USA, visiting religious schools where gay kids are bullied and abused. They work to bring hope, encouragement, and information to gay (lgbt) kids who are being abused in religious schools. His work is called HeartStrong. Please check out his web page and consider supporting the work he does. HeartStrong
I often tell this story: When I was seventeen, I went to visit a college to see whether I might want to go to it myself. I happen to notice a young man going around the bulletin boards and tacking a notice up. I went over to look at it, and it was a note informing people of an upcoming meeting for gay students. And I’m ashamed to say it, but my decision to NOT go to that college crystallized at that moment. I was so appallingly ignorant, that I thought I wanted to avoid a school that THOSE people attended. I was so appallingly ignorant that I didn’t even realize that THOSE people were already around me all the time. Some of them were my very best friends, and I didn’t even know it.
Fast forward a couple of decades. I started researching and writing a novel called The Wild Swans, based on the Hans Christian Andersen fairy tale. I tell the story twice, in alternating chapters. In one storyline, the protagonist is a heterosexual woman, Eliza, in the 17th century witchcraft trials. In the other storyline, the protagonist is a young gay man, Elias, in Manhattan at the beginning of the AIDS epidemic. BUT IT’S THE SAME STORY, in which silence equals death, but love, beyond all hope, can break the curse.
I was afraid to write the book, because I was a heterosexual woman and what did I know about gays? So I did tons of research, about gay history and AIDS, for four years. I studied the roots of Puritan societal ideas and how it manifests in our culture today, about morality, about community, about the rejected Other shunned by God, and how that dynamic rooted throughout our culture led to the tragedy of the unchecked spread of AIDS–because THOSE PEOPLE weren’t worth the concern of True Americans. I interviewed gay men, and studied the particular problems of gay teens, esp. those kicked out of their homes. I became obsessed with gay civil rights.
I wrote the book, pouring everything I had into it. Men who had lived through the epidemic wrote to me and told me that I got it right. One woman told me that my book inspired her to devote her life to public health. I tithed my author’s advance, donating it to the Quilt, to PFLAG, and to AMFAR. The book was a co-winner of the Gaylactic Spectrum Award for Best Novel 2000–best positive portrayal of a gay character in a SF, fantasy or horror novel. I was extremely proud of that honor.
I’ve come so far–from someone who thought gays maybe were icky and weird and to be avoided, and probably not on the right side of God (not because of anything anyone gay had ever done to me, but simply out of sheer ignorance!), to someone who is passionately committed to working for full civil rights of all gay citizens, including the right to marry and adopt.
So yes, I believe you. The young CAN change their minds. They have to be willing to meet people who change their preconceptions. They have to be willing to read and test their assumptions. They have to be willing to listen. They have to be willing to think and examine their consciences. I’m living proof that it can be done.
That’s what I did.
Peg,
Thank you for sharing this story. You clearly expressed that people do change (feelings, thoughts, opinions, and actions) when they have new experiences and new information. Your story is a perfect example of how a person who is opposed to someone (or something) at one point in life may become an advocate and work for good at a later point.
Thank you for your contribution to understanding and equal rights.These MS kids could benefit from positive adult role models and more life experience. Adults can help them learn compassion and acceptance. Thank you for reminding people that we all change over the years, and we can do good things in this world.
I liked this, thanks for the thoughtful and compassionate post.
While I also get angry at the students (though more so at their parents), it’s horrible to see people wish bad things on them. I hope they all do get a better education.
In 5 or 10 years, what will they think then? It would be worth following up and asking them all.
Thank you, Liz, for this comment.
I agree that a great part of the responsibility here lies with the adults. Children are shaped by their environments. Children believe what they have grown up with (to a point). The adults in this situation made choices and acted in ways that were cruel, and they enabled the kids to do the same thing. I’ve even read letters to the editor (in their local paper) from some of the local pastors and residents. For them, it’s about sin and immorality. They do not see the immorality of own deeds in their lack of love for a member of their community.
I find all the bad-wishes against the students to be disturbing. I don’t know any of the people involved. But, I would bet they are probably all pretty good people. They just have a big blind spot where it comes to people who are different. These kids learned these things, just like we all learn.
I’d like to see all of them (from both ‘proms’, and those who attended no prom) to have the opportunity to learn and grow and change. We all needed that when we were younger. We all still benefit from keeping an open mind and learning and growing.
I like your idea about following up with the kids. I’d like to see something positive happen, some opportunity for learning, for all of them. I’d like to see them do good things in the world. I’m sure they’re all capable of that. They just need to know more about life and caring for others and doing the right thing.
The idea of follow up is a good one. A good example of a group that did exactly that after the murder of Matthew Shephard is the Laramie Project, and The Return to Laramie, which took place ten years later.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Laramie_Project
Yes. I’d like to see a Return to Itawamba — if done respectfully! I bet lots of people have thought of it. I hope if some journalist or group does this in future they will include followup on the students’ and town’s attitude toward Juin Blaise as well as towards Constance and the prom and the ACLU’s efforts.
I’ll put it on my calendar for 2015.
I have followed this story to some extent. It will never cease to amaze me at the lengths people go to be mean to each other. I am not sure what we have done to create an environment where it is ok to harm those who are not considered “normal”. Occasionally those harmed strike back like at Columbine high school in Colorado. Most of the time they don’t.
I would guess there was great “joy” at the secret prom. The in kids surely pulled one over on the gay girl.
For those of us who still live in a circumstance that requires some degree of camouflage, the feelings of this girl are the feeling we have to deal with quite often.
We can only hope that some of the kids will grow to understand how wrong their actions were. I suppose that most will simply go on believing they are superior to anyone different than they are. After all, it seems as if they are being trained by their parents to behave in that manner.
AnonMan, I thought about Columbine, too. Gay kids, and any kids who are thought to be gay (including kids who cross gender-lines in their clothing or behavior) are often treated badly by other kids in schools.
It’s really interesting that Constance did not do anything to fight back in any way other than legally. That’s probably a really good example for others. No one in her town supported her. That’s appalling lack of support. She still stood up for what she believed was right. Good for her.
Over the years, most of the negative comments I’ve heard about the ACLU have come from people who did not want the status quo challenged. From what I’ve seen over the years, the ACLU has worked on behalf of equality under the law and free speech (even for those who say hateful things).
I’m glad Constance chose they way of the courts and the media to get her story out. I hope that will give other gay kids the courage to believe in themselves, even if the people closest to them are not supportive.
I agree that the kids at the ‘secret prom’ probably delighted in tricking Constance. I hope they were not all in on the joke and all feeling that way. This entire event has probably been embarrassing to the entire town of Fulton, MS and Itawamba County, Mississippi (two places I did not know before this series of events).
I hope that most of these kids will learn from what happened, and will work to be more open to others from this point forward. I really hope that people will mentor them and encourage them to do good (instead of banning them from jobs and schools). We all need people to help us through rough times in life (even if the rough times are self-inflicted). And, we are all capable of becoming better people and doing better things.